you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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