My liver just broke up with me...
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
