You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The air was thick with penises
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
