someone owes me an orgasm
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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