i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
