can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
