I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
