We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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