Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
