I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
