My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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