just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
