In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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