In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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