I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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