life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
