I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
