When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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