so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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