The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
