Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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