me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
