I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
