You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i out mim tonsoeep
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
