haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
