You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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