Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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