ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
