thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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