Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
