Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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