Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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