everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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