You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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