brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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