Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
