2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
