woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
