upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
