i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
