I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
