Just fell off a train. Bad.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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