My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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