if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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