So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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