At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
