we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Randomize
