If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
