booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
