guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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