My brain says no but my pants say off.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
