omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
