dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
