if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
