I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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